PVCC Puma Press: December 2006

Have you ever had a failed relationship and felt like you’ll never love again? Have you ever felt like you need to be close to your partner at all times? Have you ever abandoned other relationships (friends, family, coworkers), just to be with the one you love? If so, you might be in a co-addicted relationship.

According to Jim Rubin, Ph.D., there are two different types of behavior that can result in a codependent relationship: love addiction and love avoidance. Here’s an example of love addiction:

When Alice and Brian first met, she started calling him every day, sometimes even twice a day, forcing Brian to stay on the phone for hours. From the very start, she felt like she needed to be close to him at all times.

According to Rubin, love addicts are people who just can’t get enough of a relationship and often jump into it too soon. They often lose their personal identity and adapt completely to the lifestyle of their partners. Love addicts are frequently taken advantage of in the relationship. They often feel jealousy and loneliness because they just can’t get enough time with their partner. These people can sometimes feel very angry and outraged inside, while remaining calm and happy on the surface.

Unfortunately, love addicts often form relationships with people who are emotionally distant—love avoidants. Here is an example of love avoidance:

Soon after starting dating, Alice stopped seeing all of her friends, whom she felt were unimportant. Instead, she devoted her entire time to Brian, believing that he was perfect in every way. Brian couldn’t be happier about the relationship at first. But then he developed a pattern of being very late. He purposely made Alice wait, just so he could see her running to him when he arrived.

Love avoidants like to feel completely in control, explains Rubin. They often take advantage of their partners and try to manipulate them. They also like to maintain a distance from their partners; otherwise, they start to feel suffocated. Love avoidants frequently feel the need to take care of others, feeling guilty otherwise.

“They are great manipulators,” says Rubin, “but they are not malicious and mean. They are afraid that their identity, their independence, might be taken away.”

Rubin goes over the stages of a co-addicted relationship. Love addicts usually start a relationship because they want the other person to take care of them and make them feel better. They often see their partner as an idol. On the other hand, love avoidants feel good about helping and taking care of the other. During the relationship, love addicts get filled with illusions of love, while they are really being manipulated by love avoidants.

“They (love addicts) will take whatever they can get,” says Rubin. “They take crumbs because it is better than nothing.”

After a while, Alice started to get jealous and unhappy every time Brian wasn’t around. She would look at her watch, counting the hours and minutes until their date. She also felt jealous every time he would go out with his friends or even family.

As the relationship advances, love addicts start to demand more and more from their partners, making them feel suffocated and also as if they were losing the upper hand, or control, in the relationship. This causes love avoidants to withdraw from the relationship, spending more time away from their partners. They may start to cheat, lie, use drugs or gamble as an escape.

When Brian started to feel like Alice was getting too close, he started acting out. First he would just skip a couple of dates with her to go out with his friends, and then he started to avoid Alice altogether.

“When the intensity increases, it frightens them (love avoidants),” says Rubin.

Love addicts start feeling abandoned, developing feelings of emotional pain and thoughts of suicide. At this stage, love avoidants start to feel guilty. These feelings push both partners back into relationship. These cycles are likely to repeat themselves over and over.

Alice started feeling extremely depressed and started calling Brian every day, threatening to commit suicide. This is when she decided to get professional help.

“What we see is only the tip of the iceberg,” says Rubin.

He says that a lot of this behavior is originated at a very young age when a child either feels smothered with love and later on wants to withdraw, or if a child didn’t get enough attention and becomes a love addict as a result.

Rubin recommends counseling to people who are in co-addictive relationships, since the problem is psychological.

He also goes over some healthy love signs.

“Love is a mutual, respectful, trustful, open relationship,” says Rubin. He also says that real love is based on responsibility for personal growth, ability to compromise and communicate directly, without any manipulation or unrealistic expectations. He says that every couple will eventually have a fight or disagreement, but healthy partners can negotiate and take responsibility.

Rubin welcomes students to visit the counseling department if they experience any personal or academic problems. Counseling services are free of charge to PVCC students. A staff of six other full time counselors is available in the KSC building by appointment, or by e-mail.