PVCC Puma Press: March 2005

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	(Photo by Sandy Beasley)
	Jim Beasley discusses parent/young adult contract with his daughter, Ann, who is staying home while attending college.
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My husband and I can’t believe it. The last of our offspring is off to PVCC.

We look forward to this transitional period but are also somewhat sad. We’ve been going through the slow process of “letting go” for quite some time as she no longer needs us as she once did.

Day after day, we’ve invested enormous emotional, physical and financial energy into our children. We’ve done all the things that come with being parents—hugged them, cried with them, lectured them… It is our belief that parenting is definitely NOT over. It’s just changing.

We realize, though, there are risks with our last two young adults who have chosen to stay home until they complete their educations. These include family tensions, misunderstandings and MONEY issues. Our young adults still expect to pick up where they left off as adolescents—living rent-free in their untidy bedrooms with Mom and Dad footing bills for utilities, free food and other needs.

This means fewer dollars going toward our goals, including retirement. To add to this, there is the transition of communicating with young adults as adults rather than as children.

Parent-young-adult home contracts are one answer for ensuring direction for parents and adult children who live under one roof to do so with some kind of dignity and happiness. A carefully constructed and agreed upon contract can lead toward a spirit of family cooperation and negotiation for these months or years of transition.

The scenario requiring such contracts is becoming ever more common.

The 2004 Census figures reports that of young adults 56 percent of men and 43 percent of women ages 18 to 24 today live with one or both parents. Some never left, while an estimated 65 percent of recent college graduates have moved back in with their parents.

The reasons are many, the first being economics.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 10.9 percent of 20-to-24-year-olds were unemployed in September 2003 verses 6.7 percent in September 2000. The jobless rate for 25-to-34-year-olds had also risen to 6.3 percent from 3.7 percent over that period. That has sent a lot of young folks back home.

Second, there is the matter of debt, especially college loans. For as many as 40 percent of recent grads, it made smart economic sense to move back in with their parents—where life is comfortable and rent is either low or nonexistent—while they get their finances in order.

Third, there is less stigma of living at home presently than in the past. In a 2003 survey by MonsterTRAK, a division of job-search Web site Monster, nearly 40 percent of 1,831 recent college grads say they intend to live with their parents for at least seven months.

Last, some young adults come home for personal reasons. Susan Garland reports in a Nov., 29, 2003, article published by “Businessweek Online” that personal reasons include illness, recovery from divorce, or simply not being able to afford parents’ lifestyles.

With adult children remaining at home, this can put parents in a tight spot financially. In an article published Feb. 29, 2004, by “The Baltimore Sun,” Eileen Ambrose reports that John Bacci, a financial planner with Foundation Financial Advisors in Linthicum, Md, says, “Children are the No. 1 financial risk to parents, far beyond anything that the stock market can do. Food and utility costs shoot up. Parents might pay the child’s health and auto insurance and supply a monthly allowance. Many children arrive deep in debt, and some parents feel obligated to bail them out.”

As a direction leading toward family cooperation and negotiation between parents and young adults, a growing number of parents are turning to written (or oral) parent-young-adult contracts.

Shel Franco, in a 2004 article published by “Parenting Media,” reports that Mark Kichler, President of KidsContracts, Inc., says he believes contracts work because they add a calming effect and family structure. Rules and their consequences are reassuring. Additionally, Kichler believes that written contracts will reduce the number of disagreements between parents and their kids, primarily because the rules were previously discussed and agreed upon in advance.

Optimal household

According to PVCC Counseling Faculty Fred Wieck, an optimal household involves feeling respected, challenged, and safe. To make this happen requires flexibility. Things don’t have to be perfect. Optimal respect means that a parents views their adult children as struggling adults who might need support, rather than as dependents that need to be taken care of.

Author Carolyn M. Usher in her book “Boomerang Kids...When Adult Children Return Home,” writes, “For them (young adults), separating from their parents is an ongoing process that may take a little longer, but it needs to be seen as an ongoing process.”

Optimal respect also means young adults live up to standard living expectations. According to Usher, this includes 1) taking responsibility for their own needs, such as sleep, food, clothing, healthcare, etc.; 2) not engaging in activities parents are not comfortable with while in your home; 3) solving their own personal problems; 4) being thoughtful and respectful of others’ needs; 5) sharing household chores and responsibilities; 6) respecting parents’ privacy; 7) committing to educating themselves or seriously searching for jobs capable of supporting themselves; and 8) managing their own finances, including contributing a share of their earnings to cover household expenses.

Optimal comfort for adult children involves the right to make decisions about how they will live their lives.

“This includes what they eat, when they sleep, their appearance, who their friends are, who their lovers are, where they work and how they spend their money,” writes Usher.

Optimal comfort for parents can exist if they do not revert to the parenting syndrome of nagging their young adults (i.e. unkempt bedrooms, dress apparel, friends).

Usher writes, “In the adult-to-adult relationship that needs to be developed, this kind of behavior is as inappropriate as it would be with any other adult.”

Optimal safety involves the prohibition of an unhealthy, lifestyle within the home structure in areas such as the abuse of recreational drugs and alcohol. Without a child’s being enrolled in a drug treatment program or taking visible action to turn his or her life around, other family members are at risk both emotional and physically.

Parental Encouragement

Wieck encourages parents of young adults to come to some kind of agreement, so there are clear rules about rights, privileges, responsibilities and boundaries.

“These things have to be negotiated,” says Wieck.

One of those areas is having discussions and agreements about what the expectations and responsibilities are to maintain the household. This includes: division of labor in the house, who cooks, who does dishes, who does the vacuuming, who does the laundry, etc.

Another area is money.

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'Fifty-six percent of men and 43 percent of women ages 18 to 24 today live with one or both parents.'
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“People in family relationships should have discussions of how money is spent. So if a young person is living at home, is there going to be an expectation that they will pay a share of the mortgage or the rent, the utilities, or food bill. I think that is important,” says Wieck.

There should be also some dialogue and agreements about personal boundaries. Boundaries issues can include the following: Is it appropriate to have boyfriends and girlfriends overnight? Is it appropriate to have parties, to have alcohol? Is it appropriate to stay out all night with out calling?

“I think it is important to have some clarity on issues like this this, so people are not arguing,” says Wieck.

Living together tips

According to Wieck, living under one roof with some kind of dignity and happiness involves establishing rules about interpersonal communication, good listening, integrity and compromising.

Interpersonal communication begins with rules of engagement.

“It’s good to be able to enter in an agreement where people can be assertive. People can discuss and describe how the other person’s behavior is impacting them be able to request a change in behavior,” says Wieck.

“When somebody is speaking, the other person doesn’t speak. And you listen to each other to understand the others point of view, not just to argue your position,” says Wieck.

Integrity means that there is no dishonesty or deception in a relationship. Wieck believes that this needs to be talked about. Though parents and young adults are in an interpersonal relationship, they are different and as such should give each other respect and regard.

“What does that mean when you are demonstrating respect and regard for people? You are honoring them,” says Wieck.

Compromising is central to good relationships whether between family members or amongst others.

“In some relationships, communication is rather natural and people solve problems together easily. For some families, it might be good to ritualize or structure time at different intervals so people sit down and talk about how things are going,” says Wieck.

Contract guidelines

Creating a win–win parent-young adult contract involves 1) Setting house rules in writing; 2) Insisting on responsibilities, which may include paying rent and, or payment in kind, such as taking on household chores—doing laundry, making dinner two nights a week, buying groceries; 3) Helping adult children restructure debts, rather than simply bailing them out; and 4) Establishing parameters in the relationship (i.e. listening, politeness, anger, blaming, shaming; and 5) Setting a departure date, whether it be three weeks or three months.

Discussing exit strategies, Wieck says, “Make an exit strategy a discussion of how long the young adult will stay. It entails making reasonable specific goals such as an a tentative date; 6 months, a year, etc., and a discussion of what has to occur to make this happen, and how the young adult plans to do it.”

Contract violations

A breach of contract and a reason for asking a young adult to leave is when he/she does not work or go to school, take care of themselves, do chores, and creates conflict. Some young people, says Wieck, will not get help until they have literally hit bottom and for some, that is when they experience the loss of their family.

“When parents have hit their own personal limit of what they cannot tolerate, it’s good for them to remember that closing the door to their home does not mean they are closing the door to their heart,” says Wieck.