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Struggling through a recent heartache?
'You will eventually get to a point where you realize, it's time to move on'
By Kristen Vidulich, November 09
Staff Writer

Photo Illustration

It happens all the time. You meet someone; you have a great time together. He or she is everything you could want, at the time, so you begin a relationship.  Then for one reason or another your significant other breaks your heart and the relationship you held so close is over. You have all been there at least once and, unfortunately, most of you will be there again at one point in your lives. When you go through a break up, it is difficult to see past the immediate hurt and sadness to what may be on the other side, let alone how to get there.

While struggling with the pain of what my “ex” put me through, I constantly find myself missing him and the good times we had. I try to logically rationalize what went wrong and how it was not meant to be. It has helped me a great deal. However, I have found that logic and emotion are not at all on the same plane. My eating and sleeping habits have changed drastically; I find it hard to concentrate at work or school, and these are just some of the extraordinary emotions I deal with daily.

In the midst of the intense and ever changing emotions that one inevitably feels after a break up, you will eventually get to a point where you realize, it’s time to move on.

Catherine Mendoza, a certified grief recovery counselor at Paradise Valley Community College, will be teaching a class next semester, spring 2010, called “Moving On” about moving past the trauma of a break up. In her class, she will be teaching from a book entitled “Moving On” by Russell Freidman and John W. James. She has some interesting insights as to what one can do to successfully move on while also debunking myths about break ups. According to Mendoza, there are clear steps that one should take in dealing with this kind of loss:

• The first and most important thing Mendoza advises one to do is “be honest with yourself about how you feel. Don’t cover up your feelings.” One needs to accept the real emotions rather than sweep them under the rug, so to speak. “It’s OK to miss what you liked about the relationship and other person.”
• Mendoza points out the need to talk about how we feel. We have friends and family, and we need to allow them to be our support through these rough times. I have been talking about my feelings to a point of seeming absurdity. Fortunately, I have understanding friends willing to lend me their ear and often their advice as well. At times I even need to hear the same things over and over, and they give me that. Mendoza believes that this is a very important part of the healing process.

“If someone is knocking on your door and you just ignore it, what’s going to happen? They’re gonna knock louder until you answer,” says Mendoza.

This is an analogy for what happens when we try to push feelings aside and ignore them. It builds inside us until finally we break down and answer what is calling us.

• Another important part of the healing process is to recognize myths so often imparted. Mendoza references “Moving On” identifying some of the myths to be these:

1. You must replace the loss,
2. Time heals all wounds,
3. Be strong, and so on.

You have probably heard them from people whom you may be reaching out to. The problems with these statements, which friends and family so often make, are that they do not allow for one to feel the very real emotions that are necessary in order to successfully learn, grow and move on.

• A common belief among those enduring a break up is that one should try to replace the loss they are feeling. Mendoza strongly advises against this myth. By no means does it seem healthy to jump right into another relationship. If we don’t learn and grow from the last one, we will make the same mistakes again.

“Write down what’s important to you in a relationship and look for that. Don’t settle,” advises Mendoza. If you don’t take the time to figure out what you really want, then you will most likely continue to date the same kind of person over and over.

• Another thing that must be done is one must choose to learn. Mendoza states, “We must learn about ourselves and take an inventory of our relationship history.”

From this inventory one should take the time to figure out what went wrong and what patterns one continues to follow. For instance, I find I will have strong feelings for an individual, so I will ignore red flags that are right there in front of my face. If someone has a past of cheating, you are most likely not the exception to his or her relationship patterns. To believe otherwise is to ignore the red flag. In constantly ignoring these red flags, whatever they may be, I have developed a pattern that, if I don’t choose to take the time and learn from them, I will continue to follow, leading me into the same heartache I have experienced so many times in the past.

• The book “Moving On” talks about the need for closure. Freidman and James suggest that one should write a final letter to the “ex” saying all the things you’ve wanted to say to close any doors; the catch is not to send it. In sending it, you risk reopening wounds by allowing responses and starting up the same painful conversations all over again. The goal is to avoid additional heartache.

Perhaps you are dealing with your own break up right now, perhaps not. These are still very important things to remember to help you overcome future heartbreak, and there is much more to understand.
If you are interested in taking Mendoza’s class next semester entitled “MOVING ON: Heal Your Broken Heart and Make Room for the Love of Your Life,” it meets every Monday from Feb. 1 to April 19 from 12:20 to 3 p.m.