Eat, drink, and be merry on Holiday Day
By Tegan McRae, December 2009
Fringe Editor

The holidays are coming. To many, this means family gatherings, lavish dinners, and cozying up by a warm fireplace. To me, this means being the awkward vegetarian at Thanksgiving dinner, writing endless Christmas cards and elbowing my way through the line at Bath and Body Works (AKA the place where I go to buy gifts for every woman I know). Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s day, Easter…it’s all essentially the same celebration. Talk to family members (no matter how senile), eat big dinners, exchange gifts and get a day off work. Yes, holidays have their perks, but I for one feel that the cons far outweigh the pros.

To get rid of the holidays all together would be unacceptable (sorry, Jehovah’s Witnesses), so I simply propose that instead, we all celebrate on just one day. This cuts down on weeks of gift shopping, time consumed by erecting and changing out countless themed decorations, and seeing family members who “creep you out,” wish you would date a nice Jewish boy or think Obama is a Kenyan terrorist.

The day in which all holidays are celebrated will be named “Holiday Day” only because “Thanksmasyearscupidbunny” sounds terrible. The day will begin at around 8 a.m., at which time children will wake up to find Easter eggs filled with candy hearts underneath their Holiday tree decorated with sparklers and disco balls (for New Years). After this, it will be time to do some holiday traditions. I recommend calling family members who were not able to make it out, or driving out to see family members if they are in the same area. If you’re Irish, at this point you can just get a pint of Guinness and celebrate St. Patrick’s day and pass out under the Holiday tree by 3 p.m. Once you have talked with family members, it’s now time for the next tradition: men sitting and watching football while women cook a pie. However, thanks to all the holidays being celebrated on this day, the woman doesn’t have to cook unless the man has gotten her roses, chocolate, an annoying yappy dog with a bow on its head and a foot rub. See the perks to this?                 

From this point on, Holiday Day becomes a free-for-all. Don a Santa hat while basting the turkey and watching the ball drop in Time’s Square. Hand out jingle bells from inside of an Easter basket while caroling to the poor. If you have children, you can put on a giant bunny outfit while wearing a Santa hat and a Cupid’s bow and hand out party blowers that say 2010. Don’t forget about decorations! Place your Christmas lights next to the rotting pumpkin leftover from Halloween (which is the best holiday in the history of ever, which is why it is not grouped into Holiday Day) and surround it with plastic eggs and a giant heart sign.                 

Also, the spectacular parades hosted by corporations will still go on. Combining Thanksgiving and Christmas parades are boring, so during these parades there will be Easter bunnies handing out eggs and an overweight man in a loin cloth handing out chocolates. This will all be hosted at night by Anderson Cooper and a very drunk Kathy Griffin, to uphold the New Year’s tradition.                 

If you celebrate Hanukkah, simply party this way for eight days instead of one.

With the combination of the holidays, I believe that the world’s stress problems will be reduced immediately, along with post-holiday season weight loss video sales. No longer will we dread the long family visits that result in fighting, nor will we endure the endless Christmas music and guy in a Santa suit that stands outside of stores and rings a bell for 17 hours a day. After all, I can’t imagine anything better than drinking eggnog in a bunny suit while eating pie, can you?