Spiral of shame, depression results from sex addiction
By Jenee' Kivin, May 2009
Editor-in-chief
Jen had so much guilt and shame, she couldn’t feel anymore. Her husband abused her and cheated, and she had a history of sexual and emotional affairs. Her problems were escalating rapidly and the negative effects of her behavior spreading through her household. There had been a house fire and her son was extremely ill. She didn’t want to deal with life anymore; so, she decided to see a counselor.
After several sessions together, her counselor determined that Jen was a sex addict and should enter recovery.
According to the National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity, an estimated 6 to 8 percent of Americans (that is 18-24 million people) are addicted to sex. The National Council on Sexual Addiction Compulsivity defines sexual addiction as, “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior…despite increasing negative consequences….”
Jen’s addiction to sex began her junior year in high school.
“When I was a teen I didn’t get the attention from my dad that a girl needs,” says Jen. “A girl needs validation, protection, emotional stability and encouragement to be the best she can be. I didn’t get any of that.”
Sex became an obsession for Jen. She admits that in her head, she had the skewed idea that since men were sleeping with her, they must love her. She says she felt sex was the only way to get the attention from men that she yearned for. She was confusing love with lust and pursuing it.
Donna Mosher, PVCC counseling faculty, says that addicted individuals feel as if they are not enough by themselves and they need somebody else to want them, making them feel as if they matter.
“I feel the underlying dynamic that is going on is there’s a hole in someone’s soul, emptiness,” says Mosher, “a feeling of meaninglessness; and they are trying to…find…a purpose for their being,”
Mosher also says that the reason people lean towards compulsive behaviors like sex, is that sex has a short-term energy relieving effect; it numbs individuals from their painful thoughts for a brief period.
Another issue aside from family and self that impacts people, and teens in particular, towards sex addiction is the fact that sex is so interwoven into our society in the U.S.
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| AP Photo Illustration |
“Teens are just coming into their sexual identity and their hormones are racing,” says Mosher. “They are looking for a meaningful connection and communication and because it is so ‘in their face,’ they think they are going to get that from sex.”
The negative effects of sexual addiction are similar to those of any serious addiction, such as drugs or alcohol. The addiction can become increasingly destructive to one’s sense of self, job and relationships, resulting in depression.
Mosher says that over and over sexual addicts are wounding themselves. Their behavior is saying to themselves, “I am not worthy of more self honoring kinds of choices in my life.” It is this behavior that reinforces a negative self-image and eventually addicts will fall into a every worsening shame cycle feeling disgusted with themselves for what they have done and are doing.
On Nov. 30, 2005, Dr. Warren Throckmorton, an associate professor of psychology and fellow for psychology and public policy in Center for Vision and Values at Grove City College and former president of the American Mental Health Counselors Association, published an article on “Human Events Online” entitled, “Depression: The new Sexually Transmitted Disease?”
In this piece Throckmorton discusses a study published in the “American Journal of Preventative Medicine” that “followed over 13,000 middle school and high school students for two years in a row,” finding that depression followed risky behavior such as drug use or sexual experimentation. The study found that the girls “experimenting with sex were three times more likely to be depressed than abstainers (12 percent versus 4 percent)” and “44 percent of girls with multiple sexual partners during the study period experienced depression.”
Depression affects one’s mind and body.
A pamphlet entitled “Learn to Understand Mental Illness: Depression,” distributed by Charter Behavioral Health Systems, reports that depression affects about 10 percent of the American population or more than 17.6 million Americans every year and that treatment is usually necessary.
“It isn’t just the blues,” says Mosher. “It’s not something that just comes and goes. It’s more longstanding, real hopelessness, deep sadness. It‘s an illness, not a weakness. It‘s not failing if you feel depressed; it means you need to seek help.”
A small number of the signs of depression, according to Mosher, are sleep issues, eating issues, self isolation, appearance changes (neglecting hygiene), losing interest in things that previously brought pleasure, and sometimes it gets so bad that an individual might not even get out of bed.
It is important to treat depression because sometimes it can lead to suicidal thoughts, as Jen says it did with her, says Mosher.
Paradise Valley Community College is a National Depression Screening Site. This means students may go to the PVCC Counseling Division and take depression screening tests to see if they are clinically depressed or if something else is going on. They may also meet and speak with counselors there.
Treatment for sex addiction is abundantly available through treatment centers, specialized counselors and support groups.
“Sex addiction is a tough addiction,” says Mosher. “Often addicts go through a treatment program and/or a 12 step program. They have to confront the demons and face the feelings that they have been covering up.”
Jen decided to join Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, which is a 12 step program for sex and love addicts modeled after the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Members of SLAA “believe that sex and love addition is a progressive illness, which cannot be cured but which, like many illnesses, can be arrested.”
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous conducts their recovery through sobriety, sponsorship, meetings, a list of steps for members to follow and spirituality. The only qualification to join SLAA is “a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love.”
The first step to recovering is learning to identifying feelings and to understand what they are, says Jen. Like any other addiction, when you quit, there is a withdrawal and it is highly difficult emotionally.
“Recovery allows members to identify themselves and feel worthy without needing to be attached to somebody else,” says Jen. “We learn to have dignity, assertiveness, spirituality and to live a healthy way of life.”
Jen has been in recovery now for two years and spends her time as a stay-at-home mom with her 5-year-old son. She says recovery has brought a 180-degree change in her life.
“I am a grateful addict,” says Jen, “because discovering this about myself and dealing with it has really helped me discover who I am as a person.” |
